Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
