My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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