Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
