so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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