Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
