I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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