Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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