Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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