Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
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