I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
