I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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