It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You need a sexual gate keeper
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
