I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
