did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
