I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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