He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
did i walk over a car last night?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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