It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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