Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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