my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I need moral support for this bender
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
