I showed him my bush... on skype.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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