I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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