see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
