yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
