I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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