i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
