Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
