We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Send help, water and tortillas.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
