I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
