My pussy is not your playground.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
