When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
