Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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