I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
