You can't special order awesome
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
