Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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