You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
