Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
