You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
