Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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