and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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