Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
