Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
