Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
