sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
