If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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