His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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