It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
