Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
