Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
