so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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