I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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