my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
