Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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