Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
