there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
